A lupus survivor's cerebrations on living day to day...

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    The Morning After...A Bipolar Lupie Autistic Fibromyalgic Insomniac's Rant

    I guess I bragged too soon about a lack of anxiety. Last night I fell asleep reading Lisa Copen's book and highlighting the scripture she referenced about dealing with feeling anger and insults and abandonment. Last night the pragmatic logic and spiritual reasoning seemed so clear... But this morning I awoke with anxiety, my pain is great, im sick to my stomach and exhausted from a rough night of nagging discomforts. Although I slowly dozed off into a natural sleep around midnight (a new and rare event) my cramping right flank and burning bladder forced me to get up after just couple of hours. After relieving the familiar urinary pressures I was much too awake to return to the ephemeral rest I thought i was due. I was feeling thankful, I had ice cream -- my favorite sedative. I can deal with discomforts alot better if I can appeal to my other senses. Although, the cramping had caused the familiar radiation across nerve endings lighting up with pain, my growling stomach was quieted by the cold dessert and I began to nod off with my rabid brain lulled into sweet dreams by the TCM musical in the background. Unfortunately, in the background the echo of pain continued to the usual areas of vulnerabilty. My tooth, the only back one left, begins a subtle throb that's matched by one from my temples. I will nip this in the bud. I knock down 2 tylenol from the bedside. Tuning back in on my 1940's musical fantasy, taking deep rhythmic yogi breaths I manage to acheive a semisleep. My sweet dreaming discontinued again, this time by my scalp, which has become a cap of tension relentlessly gripping my skull from the base of my neck to the brows on my forehead. The urinary urgency had turned my romantic dance number into a nightmarish dream sequence of futile attempts to get to a working clean lavatory. The pressures on my head are a replication for pressures on bladder. Useless tylenol! The pressures of the outdoor precipitation are replicated in my joints. My knees locked in pain, barely sturdy I hurry to bathroom....again. How is all this fluid produced at 3am? I haven't drank this much in the past 24 hours. Now the radiation of neuropathic pain has been fueled to a full torch. Suddenly, I think, reach around feel if the pain patch is adhered to my back. Its there. Its the new replacement made last evening. I thought it had surely fallen off or id forgotten to replace the old one. A better explanation than none at all for this extreme burning pain taking over my whole being. My neurology so diminished by exhaustion, I couldn't remember whether I'd just taken the morphene tablet or not. I take one, hoping i haven't repeated a dose. The inescapable pain makes it impossible to grasp the supportive words of the book or attach my thoughts back to movie melodies. I must have eventually lost consciousness because I awoke in a panic after several consecutive blows from the car horn next door. I was angry as heck at the continued inconsideration of dawn sleeping, ignoring ordinances despite gentle reminders distributed by neighborhood association. Thus began the manic attack of flooding thoughts. The worries began about how I'm going to accomplish the day's goals in this altered state of neurology paralyzed by the trifecta of pain, fatigue and an impaired brain.


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