Emotional pain flares up physical pain. Internet friends therapeutic.

I thank God for the sunroom because its given an outlet to express my fears and my faith. I was just giving into tears tonight after a miserable day when I thought to check my RM emails. I have been trying to maitain a good attitude all week despite the enemy pulling punces at every turn. My finances are not in crises "yet." After month I realize my child support hadn't been paid. Today my son's SSD direct deposit missing. But the Lord was with me because after years of not being able to find my ex, I recalled a detail that led me to google up an article about him which gave his entire career. He had been promoted to CCO/President of a financial institution. He was president of one the state's oldest nonproft organization. There was even a link to a United Way Annual Report with him on the cover in a T-shirt helping young boys (our son's age) with computers! It breaks my heart to realize this man who dissed me and his son once I became too ill to be the "trophy" he needed for his ambitions. I had been model size 2 magna cum laude graduate on my way to PhD. This Tuesday I took $500 from my IRS rebate to retain lawyer. Although I was pleased with the lawyer and the prospect of back pay and modification, I returned home feeling sick and exhausted by the long bus ride, the heat, and my repressed emotions. I was not expecting the lawyer to try to confirm his existance at the bank by calling. I heard his voice for the first time in 12 years. It was the first time for my son. Since then my neurological status has been extremely poor. My pain has been relentlees the neuropathic FM pain is being fueled again by my urinary cramping and flaring hemoroids. The "freeze spell" seizures and scrambled thought processing has prevented me from even coordinating a bowl of cereal. I found solace in going to the sunroom Wednesday, since I wasn't up to Wednesday nite bible Study. Sometimes I go despite pain or "spells" but our small churches old fashioned wood pews can actually bring on more pain. I felt better emotionally after responding to my friends comments and prayer request. Hearing about others with great financial, family and physical struggles helped keep mine in perspective. Being able to give encouragement to another and perhaps be appreciated for my own struggles was empowering. Although the Klonopin allowed me a couple of hours deep sleep, I was awakened by my nieghbors roof repair before ready. despite a new patch, MSContin tablts and the urinary analgesic , I have been in 10+ misery for about 48 hours. The emotional wounds of recollecting my ex deepened the wounds I was already feeling from the abandonment I was trying to recover from in dealing with my "prodigal sister". After 2 years of estrangement she showed up last year to take advantage of my "weak mind" , Christmas spirit, and few dollars. But as soon as she got her car fixed (with help of my pastor} and paid off her warrants she was out of here without notice. Monday she snuck in house to get the belongings I had told her last year to store in my living room rather than loose them paying for storage. She didn't say a word to me. By the time I saw her and a freind loading vehicle through window she was gone. My son consoled me tonight when I could no longer hold back tears. He said he'd rather see me in muderous hatred and anger than to shed one tear of sadness and regret for her. I knew he resented me allowing her to stay, but I thought in my euphoria of prednisone and christmas spirit I could show her grace for her past exploits give her a chance to get on her feet and maybe we could have a real "sister" relationship. Now that my mental staus has improved, I realize that all along she had gotten wind of the couple of dollars settlment money. I am trying to have no regrets, money lost means little compared to lost souls of my family. Although I talk a good game out loud, I cannot stay angry, Even though its less painful sometimes. Emotional pain flares up my neuropatic pain and lupus sympttoms. Pray I can remove all my hurt feelings that sabatoge my health.