Santa, Ashes and Reynolds Wrap Metallic Silver Christmas Trees

Like most American kids I was given the sleigh driving version of Santa Claus to believe in. The legend in my rural southern small town included the usual expectation of toys under the tree. There were caveats however to the magic. One eve, I vividly remember laying stiff under tucked covers giddy with anticipation over arrival of Santa, but most important I remember the fear and anxiety of trying to keep my eyes tightly shut. With my excitement, I'd given up all efforts to actually fall asleep, but I was told that children had to go to sleep Christmas night or Santa wouldn't come. That night as I gave in to peeking there was a magical reddish glow cast from the embers through the cracks of the hot black stove. I panicked at the thought of the mound of ashes growing at the bottom. Visiting older children had warned that if I was caught peeking Christmas Eve night, I would face the sure punishment of ashes in my eyes. This was the southern rural Negro take on mainstream 'coal in your stocking' tradition. Well our humble homes didn't have fireplaces nor cold bins of Victorian nostalgia. We kept warm by cast iron stoves fueled by kindling wood. I strained to hear the sounds beyond the walls. I was perplexed by my imaginations for Santa's sleigh navigation. We rarely had snow. Actually at this preschool age, I had only once witnessed snowflakes from a skimpy flurry dusting the ground with no accumulation. Our chimney was a pipe connected to a hole in the wall from the iron stove I was watching. Yet I heard activity. My grandma usually said prayers and went to bed with me. But this night I was sent alone. Was Mama out there assisting Santa? Perhaps this was a requirement for folks without the big fireplaces or grand roof tops I'd seen in my story book and on television.

I had witnessed the real live Santa Claus at the parade that circled the court house in town. He waived at me from a sleigh that was pulled by a tractor. Then I met him in person when we made that long car ride down the highway to the big city to Christmas shop at the fancy stores with elevators. I was led from a line to get on his lap and tell him what I wanted for Christmas. I didn't want to miss the opportunity to give him a list but I didn't care to sit in his lap. In fact I just didn't care for him at all. I did what I was told. They even took a picture that we took home in a pretty Christmas tree shaped card. Eventually, I fell sound asleep then awoke before dawn's light. The open door and smell of brewing coffee gave me permission to go see what Santa brought. Still dark outside, I stepped from the threshold of the bedroom to the "front room" of our little house. Bright red, green, yellow and blue beams of light were rotating across the walls bouncing off our low ceiling. Instead of one of the many green cedar trees cut down from our land, there was a fantastic adorned tree with shining silver needles like shredded Reynolds wrap. Each revolution of the colored light made the tree turn a different color. Underneath lay an assortment of unwrapped toys and clothes. I knew they were all mine. Santa Claus had landed his sled! Never found out how. Maybe Grandma simply let him through the front door.

So what , im cray, i cost no one

I told myself that if my peculiar activities w re crazy, then that's okay. Nothing I do cost anyone else, or does anyone harm; in fact, my fastidiousness, compulsions, obsession have led to providing roof over...sheltering too many parasites.
.../...
The only complaints come from the parasites and slackers that have taken advantage of ,my fastidiousness...

My delusions of grandeur have been selfless belief that I could "love mine enemies" by giving to them unmerited favor..a true christian
Hence my foolish fervent dedication to assisting my estranged sister.

So I allowed myself my convuluted steps, idiosyncratic logic to fit the surreal parallel universe interpreted or maybe misinterpreted by my brain. It doesn't matter if its psychological, emotional, neurological, or physiological. Its the reality im forced to live in. So I try to stop feeling guilty for indulging in my OCD schemes. I give in occasionally to relieving my compulsions. For they harm no one.

My latest epiphany...harness my manias into something productive. Translate my compulsions and obsessions into a craft, maybe even a career. My mind constantly races with ideas. I feel constant compulsion to document my every thought. I am obsessed with keeping notes and lists. Im also obsessed with facts...a maniacal thirst for knowledge. The discovery of wikipedia and invention of google has ...nourished my addiction. But whom im I really hurting. Should I be embarrassed if you happen to have to listen to my detailed ramblings on historical minuteua, scientific facts or movie trivia. (Im not discussing aliens or the fbi dental implants.) the anwer...blogging. The avenue to park my thoughts. The familiar electronic format , database structures are perfect interface for overcoming my neuropsychiatric deficits to not only record thoughts but sort them. Categories tagged/time stamped. Furthermore they provide opportunity to create legitimate content for web development..no one but me seems to remember my thousands invested in web development courses. I began privately blogging as a personal release for my own thoughts and obsessions...movies/politics. The blog also lend itself to collecting useful information, i transferred my lupus information to blogspot. Simultaneously, I began taking advantage of online support with participation on a few social networking sites. It wasn't long before I began analyzing the technical structure of the blogging and networking sites. Initially simpy enjoying the ability to customized the available templates. I began to explore the source code for more advanced customizations. Now im even studying developer tools and open source code. I decided to get involved in lupus/ii awareness by getting myspace/facebook friends...my adhd/ocd...actually led me to current projects, developing blog widgets...creating my own awareness forum based on the ardent cerebrations concept. Now I have something i m avid about to hold my attention for implimenting web development skills as well as creating my own support system...now I making my manic processes purposeful. Collecting content for my blogs... I can put information from roaming for hours to use as content for...a release for my pedantic tendencies can be appreciated or ignored by online readers.

Will I get to work from home!

Desperate for money, I surf an applied for jobs online all November. I was discouraged by the lack of any immediate feedback from any of the home-based or virtual jobs. I get daily junk jobs or sales rep from Career Builder. Other than 3 quarters of education, I don't have any experiance in my new path toward Web Development career. Today, Good News in my inbox.

Congratulations!

The LiveOps Community Sourcing Team has reviewed your work history, skill set, and quiz results and determined that your business is well qualified to certify to provide services to LiveOps for Outbound calls.

i did their online test in nov, got positive answer for this outsourcing co. its work as independent contractor, totally paperless online system....sort of a state of the art version of what i did for carl, and plan to do w my home based business. the link gives a good presentation. i already have a jack for dedicated phone line. i think my IBM T40 will pass. oh yea heres a blog @ working for liveops http://icanworkfromhometo.blogspot.com/2007/10/liveops-taking-calls-for-informercials.html

most severe case of balloon head I've had for weeks

I'm having a bit of a panic attack. Today, I've had the most severe case of balloon head that I've had for weeks. That's what I call the weird sensations I get in head, because I feel like helium has been injected in my brain. It feels like its floating upwards. At same time I feel like a ball and chains is pulling from the base of my skull. I'm lightheaded and heavy simultaneously. I haven't been feeling particularly stressed. I was feeling psychologically uplifted by my step aunt's invitation to visit her for Xmas. Yet since rising I've been unable to focus at all. I awoke with a lot of FM pain, I thought I'd improve mentally after ridding pain. I haven't left room or bed. I keep ping ponging from one thought to next. Fortunately, no negative most of them. Its first time in while I haven't been able to coordinate make cup of coffee. I've been stuck propped up on pillows, occasionally hitting remote controls. Unable to focus on movies, unable to stand noise on other channels. I know music would help but each time I lean over to laptop to attempt, I get lost trying to. I keep opening tabs and windows. Having new ideas, distract me from the last. I've tried to give into it, not worry about not accomplishing any tasks id planned. Trying to talk past my tendency to become panicky and obsessed with doing all the stuff running through my mind at once. I'm very spastic, having difficulty coordinating simple movements. Freeze spells, like petit mals, keep me blanking out for minutes at a time. Or I fight my eyes going shut, and suddenly feelings of overwhelming drowsiness, like narcolepsy. In past id often give in to the compulsion to perform whatever I'm obsessed over. While I'm in altered state, I'm most likely to do or say something regretful. With feelings of being lost and confused, I begin worrying that I might be forget something important. If I remember an important task,like paying a bill, then i'd feel I had to get everything done right then because I might forget altogether later.this train of thought has led to many disasters. I'm improved because I'm m more familiar with these events. I don't get so anxious. I realize I can't let crazy mind dictate any of my actions. Its been an all day struggle, back and forth dialogue in my mind. I've got queasy stomach pangs. I wished I had someone to call, hold my hand, like a hot line for neurologically/psychologically challenged. I've had conversations in my mind all day, with people I couldn't call. II thought it be good to journalize the event, then decide to address my thoughts to you. Sorry about appointment mixups;insurance changes messed up my medical transport arrangements. I thought I was kicked off tncare, but got letter saying previous letter mistake. Still, I have new provider that didn't cover MataPlus. Good news, Americare allow me to call one time for recurring appointments. Bad news, receptionist says I need to request BlueCare for West Clinic.

Dead beat daddy's house

Ardent Cerebrations!
Musings of A Lupus Survivor
http://alupussurvivor.blogspot.com
http://www.myspace.com/alupussurvivor

what's been going on...

Appointment with probono attorney went well. i 'm waiting for bus to go home from Juvenile Court. After summarizing my child support case, she was initially at a loss with the interstate complications. She called an attorney at Juvenile Court for advice. When she realized I had no car. She drove me herself. She walked me through, and convinced someone in Interstate to go ahead and see me to get started despite some discrepancy about ability to do anything until w/o certified orders from MI. Anyway the clerk saw me and called MI and made request for certified copies/pay history. Hopefully this step will get me started in TN. I've been run around so much and told so many conflicting things, Im not getting hopes up. I still want everyones ears open for legal information. I still need to locate William B. Dalton since it appears he's changed jobs/ moved. I've had to put my health goals on hold to take care of business. I'm trying to suck it up; not think about what I don't have & I can't do. Honestly,though I still have felt physically bad, and brain stops, I've been overcoming my emotions, anger and tearful moments with much better support from William. He's been much more proactive and cooperative. He hates to give up some social aspects of school, but he's ready to give up the mind numbing environment and concentrate on college test scores. William IS my career, my life's work, so I really don't want to blow the only investment I have left. I just want him accepted and financed in university of choice, then I can retire! I've gotten Home school docs; I just need accurate transcripts from Memphis City Schools. William has just 4 required classes left We plan to do Algebra 2, Spanish 2, Jr English next semester(Jan), Sr English for Summer. Anything else's gravy. though my child support will be absent indefinitely, I think we can keep basic monthly bills w disability. Maybe one of us gets part-time income, soon. What I'm asking everyones help with is Home School expenses (software/books) instead of Christmas gifts. I've already picked out some software that's pretty self-serving. I'll send list after thanksgiving.

Lupus Survivor Stories Statistics

Since its inception, September 9, 2008, the Lupus Survivor Stories Widget has told your stories via by 629 views. Besides the actual blog of origin http://lupussurvivorstories.blogspot.com/, the majority of the views were made on my blog collection's Ardent Cerebrations: Musings of a Lupus Survivor! welcome page and myspace pages. Considering the limited time I promoted this project in 2008, I found this response to our handful of stories encouraging enough to continue to collect stories throughout next year to promote Lupus Awareness in 2009. I believe social networking sites is an excellent venue for both support and awareness. Its empowering and FUN. So send me more stories...
Lupus Survivor Stories Statistics:
Domain / Widget Views / %
lupussurvivorstories.blogspot.com / 217 / 34%
alupussurvivor.blogspot.com / 107 / 17%
myspace ttls / 197 / 31%
grand ttl / 629 / 100%

Finally got report on neuropsychiatric test.!

Besides the obstacle of my carpel tunnel flaring up I have been extremely busy. it took a couple of months for them to correct my Social Security benefits and just now get jurisdiction for child support enforcement moved from Michigan to Tennessee so that I can pursue my sons dad for back child-support and hopefully eventually a modification. Just when I thought I had found his current address he has changed jobs again. without child-support and the missing 2 months of Social Security benefits I ended up losing my phone service with BellSouth. Luckily with a deposit I was able to get Comcast for phone and Internet services it actually will be cheaper. I was hurt to have to give up a phone number that I had had for over a decade but I'm thankful to be able to communicate. I was also facing utility cut off but an angel appeared in the form of an old classmate that I hadn't spoken to for 25 years. upon hearing my circumstance he immediately paid off my $500 balance. Otherwise I have some very good news. That I couldn't wait to tell you about. I've finally finished my weeks of neuropsychiatric testing and got a final report. his report was very detailed giving much more information than just establishing an attention deficit. But the main point is that I do have a serious attention deficit and problems with concentration primarily caused by the areas of the brain that involve processing thought. Basically the intellectual or IQ and verbal areas are still very high. 96 percentile. Superior even. but the performance areas which include thought-.processing was very low well like 25 percentile. The 2 main areas that are given me trouble are working memory and auditory processing. That explains why I can keep track of things or hold very much information at one time. For instance I can never hold a full phone number long enough to dial it. And because of the auditory processing problems that I often have difficulty comprehending what others are saying in conversations especially business phone calls. I could go on and on with the deficits that I've that. I just feel so much better having them acknowledged and documented. the neuropsychiatrist I've been seeing specializes in neural feedback that is an Alternative to drug therapies. Unfortunately I would still have a co-pay of $22 per session and I would need to go at least once a week in order to be effective. my current financial situation won't allow me to do this right now. I'm waiting for the results to be forwarded to my neurologist and then I will see what he has to say. Hopefully these results will at least give me something to use to show my vocational rehabilitation counselor in order to get some accommodations if I can ever get it together enough to go back to school to complete my Web development diploma program. I have 3 classes to go but maybe they will allow me to just take one class at a time instead of full time.

Nashville Trip Album:

My son and I made trip to Nashville for my best friend, his godmother's, wedding.we had a great time with my hospitable stepfather in his small bachelor pad.he lives in a high-rise downtown with terrific views. We took some great pictures from the gazebo. We've got the chance to visit the local universities and a few sites. this trip confirm my goal to movemove back there backspace. when my son goes to college hopefully Vanderbilt.
Find more photos like this on UNITY IN PRAYER

Prayers Answered! Start Neuropsyche Testing Right Away!

I continued to have a diminished neurological status the past week. Normally, i wouldn't go out especially not alone with such impaired thinking, but i didn't want to miss discussing neuropsychiatrist with my psychologist who'd been away on vacation. As storm loomed, I started morning off with fibromyalgia pain and nausea. The matAplus bus went about 30 miles in opposite side of town before getting me to my appointment half hour late. My neurology became so impaired i got lost in hall before getting to correct door to waiting room. Luckily my walker kept me from falling over as seizure descended on me just as i approached the receptionist counter. They recognized me and responded remarkably well. In minutes, I was being calmed by my doctor in her office. Once i was able to communicate she assessed all the problems that had contributed to my overload. She contacted an attorney for some advice. They informed me of nonprofit community legal assistance. She even went through the trouble of getting releases faxed etc. in order to talk directly to the neuropsychiatrist on my behalf to make sure i understood everything involved. She helped me outline a brief plan action for solving some problems in my personal business. She also helped me with script for discussing the insurance and fees for neuropsychiatric evaluation. Having such guidance relieved a great deal of my anxiety. Feeling more confident i called the neuropsychiatrist office the next day to discuss costs. I ended up talking with doctor directly. He was extremely cooperative, willing to bill medicare and allow me to work out any balance afterwards. He seemed genuinely excited about starting, saying to me "its gonna be like searching for clues to solve a mystery" I start next week, tuesday & thursdays for 8 sessions of neuropsychiatric testing!! Prayers answered! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Special Thanks! to everyone that emailed me prayers and scripture that got me through this difficult week!