A lupus survivor's cerebrations on living day to day...

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    Lupus "Balloon-Head" Ruins Another Dinner

    Was having such a good day, began cooking dinner. i have been waiting for a day I felt "smart" enough to make authentic spaghetti & meatballs for my son...but my lupus balloon head took over this evening. the results: a pan of crispy burned meatballs. I really want to cry. 2 lbs of good meat wasted. But mostly disappointed that I couldn't come through with the meal for my son. Until recently, he has been fending for himself. Actually he has been doing all the cooking since my brain began to deteriorate so much that I could not complete the steps to make a decent meal. I am still far from being able to manage cooking the way I used too, but I am improving. So on the days I feel clear headed I try to prepare some of the dishes I used too. Especially my son's favorites. Because I realize how little time I have left before he is off to college. Perhaps burning tonight dinner seems trivial to cry over. But for me, its a rare occasion for my mental and physical status to allow me the confidence to make a real meal. Today I promised my son I would make him whatever he wished. I began cooking feeling fine. Then that weird feeling of being heavy and light headed at the same time hit me. I had to go sit in my chair, thinking it would pass. Then my son comes in the room saying something about the smell. I suddenly became conscious of my surroundings again. Our apartment was smoky. I had lost track of time and what I was doing. I discovered I had let the pan of meatballs for the spaghetti burn to crisp. My son just reached over an gave me a hug, telling me it was okay. He could see I was about to cry. So I am trying to be patient with myself. Trying remind myself how far I have come. It wasn't that long ago I wouldn't have even attempted to roll up a meatball. It hurts that I can't even say when I will feel competent again to try this meal again. It may be tomorrow...or not. I try to just live in the here and now. Never commit myself to more than the present, because I can never predict my physical and mental abilities due the lupus.



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